我不知道什么时候准备写这篇文章。我一部分人认为这将很早，当时我仍然真正感受到了发生的事情的痛苦。我以为我会坐在卧室的拐角处，灯光变暗，只是滚下来。我会喝一杯红酒，舒适地用毯子舒适，最后有机会解决“发生的事情”。

Instead, I’m writing from the downstairs couch, still cozied up in a blanket but buzzing from a morning of friends and fried chicken. I’m reading off countless notes from my phone — thoughts that have randomly popped up in the weeks since. I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you. For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, “you probably won’t read this, but…”. I can assure you, I did.

但是我会告诉你，一些最好的信件开头是：“您不必对此做出回应，但是……”。在我们第一次失去杰克之后，我发现自己非常担心我无法感谢所有人的极端友善。许多人分享了令人难以置信的个人经历，一些共享书籍和诗歌。我想感谢大家，与每个人分享我们的故事。但是我知道我没有状态。对我来说，“无需响应”的笔记真是一种解脱。我感谢您为其中的每一个。

One of the standout moments from that morning (or evening? I have no idea) was me going through the halls of labor and delivery, and John saying “What, is there a fucking party going on here??” Here we were, just wheeled down to a new floor, me covered in a thin blanket to hide, knowing I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later. People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you.

At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms). I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a “safer” zone for the fetus. My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in. I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment, truly appreciating the brands that went out of their way to not make me feel like an actual shitting baby. Some were blush colored, with drawn delicate flowers. I got to the point where I was actually like, “hell yeah, throw me the pink ones!” — something I never thought I’d be excited for. But there we were.

I could have spent these days at the hospital, but not much of a difference would have been made. I was still seen by doctors at home, silently twisting their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay. Finally, I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount. My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.

在医院度过了几个晚上，我的医生告诉我我所知道的要来的 - 是时候说再见了。他只是无法生存，如果它继续进行，我也可能不会。我们尝试了袋子和输血袋，每个人都像我们什么都没有做任何事情一样穿过我。一个深夜，有人告诉我是时候早上放手了。起初我哭了一点，然后全力以赴，流泪，我的呼吸无法赶上我自己令人难以置信的深深的悲伤。即使我现在写这篇文章，我也会再次感到痛苦。氧气被放在我的鼻子和嘴上，那是您看到的第一张照片。彻底而完全的悲伤。

我曾要求妈妈和约翰拍照，无论它多么不舒服。我向一个非常犹豫的约翰解释说，我需要它们，而且我不想问。他只需要这样做。他讨厌它。我可以说。当时对他没有意义。但是我知道我需要永远知道这一刻，就像我要记住我们在过道尽头接吻一样，就像我需要记住露娜和迈尔斯之后的喜悦之眼一样。我绝对知道我需要分享这个故事。

我无法表达我讨厌这些照片有多关心。我很少关心这是您不会做的事情。我住了，我选择了这样做，而且最重要的是，这些照片不适合那些生活过的人，或者很好奇，想知道这是什么样的。这些照片仅适用于需要它们的人。别人的想法对我来说并不重要。

几个小时后，我能够放松，并决定我想等到我真的知道它结束了。我愚蠢地将它与过去“放下”的狗进行了比较 - 直到我们绝对知道是时候了，他们遭受了太大的痛苦，我才想放手。我给我的医生发短信，她说：“绝对。”。

那天晚上晚些时候，我去洗手间，低头看着厕所（我已经这样做了几个月），然后再次崩溃。鲜血和凝块的量向我展示了我一直在等待的东西。是时候了。

I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the experience. I had always laughed about how much I loved epidurals…not so much this one. I laid there for hours, waiting to be told it was time to push. I obviously never had to dilate much, he was still a tiny little guy. I had been laying on my side, switching sides every hour or so, whenever the nurse told me to. I remember laying on my right side, looking opposite of John, when I was told to make my switch. I opened my legs and started to turn to face John and just like that, he was on his way out. The doctors yelled for a bit and…I don’t know what to say, even now. He was out. My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer. I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.

我不知道他已经等待了多长时间。那可能总是困扰着我。只是写它会让我的鼻子和眼睛流泪。我现在所知道的是，他的骨灰在一个小盒子里，等待被放入新家中的一棵树的土壤中，这是我们的房间。betway娱乐官网

人们说这样的经历会在您的心中造成一个洞。肯定是一个洞，但充满了我非常喜欢的东西的爱。这个空间不会感到空虚。感觉很饱。

实际上，也许 *太 *爆裂了。我发现自己随机哭泣，想着我有多么高兴，有两个疯狂的奇妙的小幼儿，他们充满了爱。当他们“ moooooom ！！！”时，我用爱窒息了他们。我。我不在乎。

当我因太高兴而生我自己时，我也会哭泣。有时我读了让我笑的东西，或者看到一个值得这样的Instagram帖子（是的，我走了，但我仍然在爬行！）。而且，我总是忘记我不再怀孕了。当我走来走去时，我抱着肚子。当孩子们跳上我的不存在的颠簸时，我有片刻的恐惧。这些时刻之后的清晰度总是让我难过。

I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public. I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.

但是，善良的时刻简直是美丽的。我去了一家商店，结帐女士悄悄地在我的购物车上添加了花朵。有时人们会带着笔记来接近我。最糟糕的部分是知道有这么多女人不会从陌生人那里得到这些安静的喜悦。请您分享您的故事，并请对那些倾心的人友好。一般而言，请友善，因为有些根本不会将它们倒出。

这些陌生人总是告诉我，生活将以不同的方式发展。他们告诉我不要让任何人告诉我这是“上帝的计划”，或者我们将“尽快拥有另一个”。感谢您，我将永远阻止它。

我担心人们与我分享快乐感到不舒服。目前，我被许多亲密朋友的怀孕肚子包围着，我可以向您发誓，没有什么让我更加高兴。我知道你的喜悦，我爱你。

I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.

因此，如此多的爱，
Chrissy