What does it mean to be the man of the house? The Miriam-Webster dictionary’s definition is this

The male family member who has the most responsibility for taking care of and making decisions about the household

This definition does not suggest that it is only the man’s job to take responsibility in the household or to be the decision-maker. In today’s modern society many relationships are considered to be 50/50 equal partnerships. Both partners play a part and take responsibility to make decisions together, consider each others point of view and respect each others’ opinions. Despite this, there is an ingrained social construct that place men at the focal point of the family dynamic. This can lead to shame, negative emotions and development of mental ill-health conditions such as depression when a man feels that he is failing in his duties.

When it All Goes Wrong

In the UK, male suicide has accounted for three-quarters of all suicide deaths since the mid-1990s. It is the single biggest killer in men under the age of 45 in the UK, which is more than the numbers associated with violent crime (Recently used by some as a counter-argument against the Black Lives Matter cause). Sociologist’s and psychologist’s associate a number of these suicide deaths to recent recessions, unemployment, austerity measures, the end of a relationship and loneliness. Imagine the level of stress a man is under to provide for his family in these circumstances. Even with the love of his family around him, still feeling so alone.

When things start going wrong, a man does not feel like the man of the house, he feels like a failure. It is our conditioning from birth that a man must be strong, must protect his family and that he show’s no sign of weakness. In the UK we uphold the virtue of having a “stiff upper lip” and “unwavering certainty”. We cannot allow that lip to quiver. We don’t get the time or space to seek help to work through uncertainty. These cases of suicide suggest that these men take the only way out that they feel is available to them.

Being the man of the house comes with a sense of pride. Pride can be your greatest superpower. It gives you the strength, confidence and purpose to perform your duties every day. I know this to be true because this is how I feel when I’m at my best. But like the lyrics from UK rapper Figure Flows;

Pride can be your biggest downfall when you’re a grown man

You know that you are loved, you know that people support you, but you feel that you cannot turn to them, you are supposed to be the strong one, their rock. You cannot be seen to erode in front of their eyes.

Personal responsibility should not be dismissed, it’s a fundamental human trait that I believe we should all learn to develop and have as a core value. What needs to be added to that is perspective and resilience. Life will put obstacles in your way, no matter who you are or whatever your circumstances are. Your ability to shift your perspective and take stock of the bigger picture will help you to build mental and emotional resilience in challenging times.

I once heard this powerful quote from Eric Thomas and it has stuck with me through every tough period of my life so far;

Pain is temporary, it may last for a minute, or an hour, or a day, or maybe a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit however it will last forever

There is a way through when things go wrong or are not working out. The issue that men have is, they don’t know where to find that path or who they can turn to as an example. The “Man Up” rhetoric that has been a part of their psyche from childhood replays a repetitive loop in their heads. Without support and guidance, it is easy to understand why some people quit. When you need help to carry the weight and the pain is too much being told to “Man Up” is the last thing any man needs.

21st Century Man of the House Checklist

Being the man of the house puts you in the position of the lead male in your household. This doesn’t have to mean that you are the CEO, COO, CFO and every other C-Level executive at home. These societal pressures are noise from the outside and have no bearing on your situation. Your partner also has a role to play and is willing to play their position. Trust them, if you married them, then trust them. Whether it’s your heart, soul, dreams, fears or struggles. That’s what you signed up for in the first place. You have to allow your partner to protect you if you expect to protect them.

Relationship Check-In

Have a relationship check-in regularly so you are being open, communicating what is going well and what needs improvement. This allows you to build a habit of leaning on your partner when you need to and less inclined to hold things in until you’re ready to combust.

External Networks

Single people may need a group or network of strangers where they can be free to express themselves. I’ve had some of my biggest breakthroughs in coaching sessions with people who I’ve never met before and can share insights with me through fresh eyes. This removes any bias or filtering to protect feelings because you do not have a preexisting relationship with them, so they are more likely to give you complete honesty.

Physical Activity

Not everybody likes to talk and share their troubles. Ironically this is because they feel guilty about burdening other people with their struggles but feel even worse for having these struggles in the first place. Some people are better problem solvers and need to create space to think and find solutions for themselves. Physical activity helps with that. As you use energy performing one task, it removes the pent up energy that was once inside you and allows new thoughts to flow freely. The next step is choosing the activity. I’ve been known to have some great breakthroughs simply doing the washing up.

Education

Once you identify the problem, the possible solutions should then present themselves. The solution may require skills or knowledge that you may not yet have. Educating yourself on the areas that are missing is important. Reading a book, searching Google or YouTube or hiring a mentor will improve your knowledge and skillset.

Be a Leader Not a Boss

This is specific to men who have children. It takes a lot of pain for a man to consider and convince himself that taking his life will mean that his children are better off without him. If you live with your kids, you’ll know they’re watching daddy every day. When daddy is sad they feel it as much as they can see it. Speaking to your children about emotions may help them understand that it’s normal to feel sad even as a grown-up. That you also have good days and bad days. This can go a long way to building your children’s emotional intelligence, preparing them to challenge the social conditioning they may encounter growing up.

It can be common to experience sleepless nights with worries and stress. There are ways to deal with these issues. Working through them is also a good example for your kids. The things that they see you do for yourself, are the lessons they will take with them through adolescence and into adulthood. You may gain further insight from my article on the role of being a father.

Being the man of the house is a privilege and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. The responsibility to maintain your household will not go away. The decisions that need to be made still need to be made. What you can do to lighten the load to avoid stress, anxiety, and depression, is develop the strength to be vulnerable. Create space for yourself to go through your emotions whilst maintaining the foresight that this pain is temporary. Your mission is to actively seek a way out and being willing to ask for directions if you get lost.