Chasing Grateful
悲伤的感恩节
昨晚,我的成年子女,他们的朋友和重要的其他人堆积在我四季门廊的沙发,椅子和地毯上,就像每个人都从各自的大学城回来度过感恩节假期时所做的那样。我不确定为什么我的房子成为指定的深夜聚会地点,但在过去的几年中,我对此深表感谢。我总是欢迎他们彼此的大声重新连接 - 我在噪音的背景下坐在椅子上,大部分是听众,因为茶被洒了,很有趣的回忆被大喊大叫,笑声到达窗户摇晃的分贝。我在20多岁时这么大?我不记得。
我感谢他们希望我在那里,即使我知道妈妈放弃并上床睡觉后有一些更好的故事得到分享。我是一个很酷的妈妈!只是在开玩笑,我的壁橱里没有粉红色的丝绒履带式服装,我对此我也不错,因为我有故事,我也永远不会与他们分享。这就是方式。
I remember last Thanksgiving more vividly now. My youngest son, a Senior in High School, was the only one still living at home, his older sister having departed for her Freshman year in Indiana and his other siblings having been gone longer. He eagerly anticipated everyone’s return, helping me get everything ready for the big meal and excited for the noise to return to the house. His sun rose and set on his brother and sisters, and even though they talked or texted every day, even though Jeff and I tried to more actively fill in the gap to keep him company in their absence, I respected that we were imperfect substitutes.
感恩节前夕是一样的,成堆的孩子大喊大叫,他在厚实的时候,我上床睡觉,而其余的人似乎都有能力整夜保持。他多么喜欢这一点,是通宵达旦的前景,他的年长兄弟姐妹赋予了老年人经营的房屋规则的许可。
这将是他的最后一个感恩节。
现在一切都不一样了。现在的生活已被永久分为一个之前和之后。从我幸福,整个和希望到永久生存模式的转变。较慢的步骤,赛车思想以及持续的骨头疼痛和渴望别人看不到我只能在任何对话中部分出现。11月是有孩子的母亲在母亲中发表的感恩宣言,我一直是乐观的成员。但是这次练习使我在场边,感觉到这只是我不知道存在的这条儿童损失之路的另一个意外,不受欢迎的腿。
一切都应该一直不同,因为在过去的9个月中,我每天都会醒来。一切都应该不同。
So, the kids came home again. They piled up on the porch again with their friends, just as loud as ever. They exploded with laughter. And they weaved their brother in and out of the conversation and the stories and the hilarity as if he were piled right in there with them.
他们记得我的事情只有兄弟姐妹会知道的 - 他的缺席使他们对公认的主的秘密打破了他们的忠诚。几年前,他的兄弟在苏格兰被赋予了平方英尺的土地,这使他在兄弟姐妹等级制度中的优势正式约束,他们对他的崇拜开始于他们第一次在亚的斯亚贝巴见面的那一天,埃塞俄比亚并没有因他的离开而改变。
他们想要他在那里,所以他就这样。
您对创伤性的悲伤和损失无法理解,直到您生活在其中,一切都会变得不协调。我们认为生活中的绝对是。我们很高兴,我们得到了满足,我们被打破了,我们迷路了,但是这些事情发生在线性,向前移动的过山车上,并且在事情上嗡嗡作响时不会重叠在我们的脑海中。
When something explodes that timeline, afterward it gets put back together all wonky. The brokenness overlaps the joy, the thankfulness and the devastation bind together in a rickety bridge to somewhere yet to be understood, but still a destination.
对我来说,昨晚,目的地既有深厚的感恩,又是一个压倒性的渴望,这使我屈服了。我觉得我的可爱儿子比几个月后的能力更敏锐,这真是太好了,但是我也感觉到我们之间的距离也更加敏锐。我像往常一样原谅自己,给了一些晚安拥抱,并在我妈妈的剧本中写下了强大的“不要整夜熬夜”的声明。然后,我去了我保证的唯一位置,抓住了一条浴巾,尖叫着哭泣,直到什么都没吹扫为止。
Now it is Thanksgiving morning, and its time to start cooking for most of the people I love. I am very grateful for so much in my life at the same time that I recognize how I so desperately wish my life were drastically different. I am lucky I am here to feel all the things I am feeling and to try to make sense of them. I am particularly thankful that I have so many people around me that are willing to help me do it so I don’t have to cross this unstable bridge to somewhere alone. If you are one of those people, thank you. I am blessed by you.
感恩节对我来说意味着什么,这是我从未选择理解的事情。
But I’ll keep it.